Maybe you ghost people
Maybe you don’t communicate properly
Maybe you have to always be in control of everyone and everything
Maybe you constantly need reassurance from others
Maybe you hop, skip, and jump to conclusions
Maybe you constantly compare yourself to others
Maybe you constantly doubt yourself
Maybe you let people take advantage of you
We all have things that we want to fix about ourselves. Toxic traits that we want to put behind us. Self-defeating behaviors that we want to quit. Unhealthy thought patterns that we want to let go of. I’m all for self-improvement, but maybe we need to re-think fixing ourselves. After all, the term “fixing” implies that we are broken. Maybe, real healing starts when we take a moment to discover the “why” behind it all.
“Healing is not fixing yourself, it’s discovering yourself”@theholisticpsyhologist
I’ll use my own example of recent self-discovery…
Unfortunately, I can be a passive person, especially when it comes to expressing my wants or needs to others. I also have a bad habit of assuming that people know what I want or need, instead of communicating like an adult. Obviously being passive has been problematic for me in many different aspects of my life, and I’ve been saying that I need to fix it for a while now. Until recently I had never really thought about why I have such an issue with expressing my wants and needs. The ugly truth is that sometimes I fear being told no or being rejected. Sometimes I’m just being hella prideful. Sometimes I think that my wants and needs don’t matter. Sometimes I may even sub-consciously believe that I’m underserving of the things that I want and need.
So how do we begin to change our toxic traits, self-defeating behaviors, and unhealthy thinking patterns? While I don’t have a complete answer, I do have a tip..
Examine your core beliefs.
Simply put, core beliefs are the central ideas that we have about ourselves. Some common negative core beliefs people have are:
I am unlovable
I can’t trust others
My needs are unimportant
People will end up leaving me
I am weak
I can’t do anything right
I have to be perfect
I’m not good enough
People will leave if I set boundaries
I am bad
I am worthless
You might resonate with one or even a few of these. You might wonder how on earth someone could ever believe that about themselves. Either way, negative core beliefs are real and they have a huge influence on our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Our core beliefs are not something that we are born with, but rather effects of our childhood experiences or even difficult experiences in adulthood. Negative core beliefs affect our relationships with ourselves and others. Negative core beliefs affect our decision-making and reactions to the world around us. They shape who we are. Lucky for us, even the most deeply-rooted core beliefs can be changed, thus changing the way we think, act, and feel.
Stay tuned for my next post where I give even more tips for changing your toxic and self-defeating behaviors. Until then, take time to discover what your core beliefs are and how they have affected you.